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Lois Lane Has Nothing On Me

[Eliotverse] Time: February 2008

[Eliotverse] Time: February 2008

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There is so much that we talk around, so many thoughts and fears and secrets that become like reflections in the glass of shop windows. The closer we get, the less we are able to make out what we're looking to see.

At night, I sometimes lie in bed, staring up at the stars while I prepare my confessions. I find the idea of letting those secrets I have never told a soul spill out to be so deliciously cleansing and yet, when the time comes to speak the words, my tongue refuses to form them. In some ways, it is just as well. I forget, during those long hours spent alone with the view, that while I have known him for most of my life, I've only just met him in his current form. I wonder whether I really know him at all.

I love him, I'm certain of this. Yet it is not always the softness of velvet I long to feel against my cheek as I imagine sharing the unread chapters of my life's story. This is the one confession that I will never share, for while we may find words for a million secrets yet unspoken, I dare not complain. I know exactly how it makes me sound, but I will take whatever he is willing to offer from whichever version of him is willing to offer it.

No strings, no demands, that's the promise I made to him. It was foolish and impulsive, and I suspect it will only become more difficult to hold myself to it. I have never felt as though my life required a man's presence to make it complete and that has not changed. Whether he is here or gone, my life is rich and full of such wonderful adventure. In truth, he would be in the way if he stayed for too long, and yet... I miss him.

It's different to the bitter ache that I nurtured for decades, this is a softer thing. I don't mourn for him now, instead I find myself reaching for my mobile as if I could just call him up for a chat. I want to share my fears when the monsters have all gone and the children have finally fallen asleep. It's not as though I can admit to them when I've been well and truly rattled. It's not only the fears, it's the triumphs I want to share as well.

And Luke. I can honestly say that I never intended or even necessarily wanted Luke to have a father, and yet it is such a strangely natural thing that I cannot imagine it any other way. Were it not for that, I might have been strong enough to send him away. Yet Luke has a father, a brilliant, wonderful man who adores him and I cannot force my son to give that up.

Yet even this leaves me torn. It's not as though Luke can truly depend on his dad to be there when he says he will, and as for the Doctor-- He will, one day, outlive his only child. I wonder if it might not be kinder to them both to simply sever all ties now, before either can get too attached.

I won't, of course. Ultimately, I cannot turn him down. I never could. He has but to look at me and all the strength I had gathered disappears. I don't want him to go. How much of that, I wonder, is a desire for him to stay and how much is the fear that he won't come back?

Eventually, Luke will grow up and go off to university and I won't be the least bit surprised if he becomes his father's traveling companion for a time. I can only hope that the Doctor has the sense to wait until he's finished his education before whisking him away to galaxies and planets unknown, but somehow I doubt it. I don't intend to go with them, not really. I miss life in the TARDIS, but there comes a point at which it's simply not practical. I'm perfectly capable of holding my own now, but I know that it won't always be that way. I am at the age where it becomes necessary to acknowledge that the road ahead is shorter than the one I've already walked. I will become a liability, one of these days, and what then?

Is he strong enough to stay by my side as I grow old and weak? Am I strong enough to find out, or will I ask him to leave rather than take the chance that he is too afraid to watch me die? Everything else that we talk around comes back to this. The details hardly matter when encapsulated.

In the end, we talk around the things that exemplify our twin demons. Do we trust or do we fear? I don't know.

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